Coming out is often talked about as something that is not only healthy for us, but our political duty. But is it realistic to assume that we can always come out everywhere?
There are Different Factors Involved
Our ability to be out depends on how we are feeling, what we anticipate the outcome to be, and how important it is in that moment. I mean, let's face it, do we really want to correct every salesperson that assumes our girlfriend is our sister, daughter, mother, or "only" a friend? I know I don't. Yet it's been important for me to ask for same-sex spousal benefits everywhere I have worked.
Not all workplaces and families are the same however, and some present bigger risks than others. Anyone who says you must be out everywhere all the time either doesn't understand the possible risks involved, or hasn't been harassed, disowned, closeted for a long time, lost their job, or had their life threatened.
Being Out is Important
Being out is important. It's vital for our visibility in the world and our integrity. When we don't come out, we can feel uncomfortable or shameful, like we're hiding something bad, or lying about who we are. The more we come out, the more we resist the sometimes overwhelming opposition to our existence. We need a visible and vocal presence to respond to the homophobic backlash. But I don't think that this means that we should feel guilty for not being out everywhere at all times.
There are Risks Involved
I think it's important that as lesbians we understand--and not just intellectually--why some lesbian don't come out, or may only come out in certain areas of their lives. This probably includes all of us some of the time. There are real threats out there, including being fired, losing family or community, children being put in jeopardy, harassment, violence, and loss of monetary support. It may be the best thing to make a deliberate choice to not be out in a given situation because it could threaten our physical or emotional safety and that's not only okay, but advisable.
We are all Effected by Homophobia
Even if we are able to be out in our jobs, with our families and friends, and in public, we are still effected by the threat of homophobia. After all, unless we always behave as freely as we would in a world free of homophobia, we are censoring ourselves, perhaps without even realizing it. Even lesbians who make a point of being blatantly out, which I admit to doing sometimes, are reacting to homophobia and not just being who they are.
In addition to the external risks we face, we are all affected by the relentless homophobic conditioning from families, religion, schools, culture, media, etc. These have an accumulated effect on how we feel about ourselves.
For example, some lesbians feel insecure about the validity of their sexuality. This makes a lot of sense in a context where there are very few, if any, models to affirm our sexuality and to tell us that being lesbian is not only okay, but is fantastic. Most lesbians go through some period of internalized homophobia. We need to find ways to talk about this, including how we are effected in the privacy of our bedrooms. Just because we are out of sight of homophobes doesn't mean that we can suddenly turn off the effects.
We Need to Choose
It's not always clear what to do about coming out. Sometimes our fear tells us that there is danger ahead and we need to be careful and protective. That is a smart thing to listen to. Other times, it's fear that's getting in our way and there is no danger. At those times we need to find a way to act or speak through our fear.
When we come out even when we are afraid, we feel a whole lot stronger and better about ourselves. But when we come out when it's not the right time for us we feel pressured or unhappy about it. The trick is figuring out the difference. Instead of assuming that it is always better to be out, let's help each other figure out the differences between when it wouldn't serve us to be out and the times when our fear is controlling and silencing us.
© Kali Munro, 1999.
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