From the day we are born, and throughout our lives, we are told stories about ourselves. These stories tell us what happened to us; what we're like; what our families are like; how to see ourselves; and how to see the world. At their best, stories offer us a narrative for our life experiences; give us a sense of history and meaning; provide continuity; support us to be ourselves; and offer a lasting connection to our family and friends.

But just as stories can positively support and organize our lives and identity, they can also limit and restrict our lives. The stories we are told weave throughout our lives, telling us who we are and what we may be. When these stories affirm who we are, they support our growth and can carry us through difficult and challenging times. When these stories describe us in a negative light, belittle us, or are limiting, restrictive, biased, or untruthful, they are impoverishing.

Consider the difference in these two stories of the same child:

1) "You were a curious and interested child who loved to explore and learn new things."

2) "You were a handful! You were always getting into things and creating a mess."

The first story celebrates the child's natural self while, the second story criticizes the child and complains about the child's explorations. The first story is about the child, while the second story is really a hidden story about about how the storyteller felt about her/his role as caretaker.

Upon hearing the first story, the child would likely feel proud of her/himself, and would feel free to continue exploring in life. Upon hearing the second story, the child would likely feel that s/he was a burden to her/his parent(s), that s/he should be more tidy, and the child would probably suppress her/his curiosity and desire to explore or do so with angry defiance, unable to enjoy her/himself.

While one negative story on its own would not usually be sufficient to limit a child's growth, most often people are told many stories with a similar theme over and over, and together these stories send a strong message to the child about what s/he is like and how s/he should be. And because children see their parents and teachers as primary sources of knowledge, what they hear from them has a greater impact.

Over time, our family stories and messages often become integrated into the stories that we tell ourselves -- such as "I always make a mess of things,", or "I am curious and like to learn new things." These are two very different stories, and yet they are meant to describe the same behaviour. Stories are not simply statements of fact;they convey the author's perspective, expectations, judgements, and feelings. And stories often have a strong impact -- positively and/or negatively -- on how we see ourselves and others. The stories we are told, and that we tell ourselves, shape our lives, relationships and behavioural patterns.

We can Re-Author Our Lives

One way to lessen the negative impact of the stories we've been told is to question and critique those stories. By critiquing the stories in our lives we can:

• Separate our lives and relationships from stories that are impoverishing. We do this by recognizing that some of our internal stories are not accurate representations of ourselves or the world; they come from our parents' impoverished view of ourselves and/or the world.

• Challenge self-limiting behaviours by recognizing their roots within impoverished stories. We do this by seeing the connection between our self-limiting behaviours and the impoverished stories we hold about ourselves.

• Re-author our lives by creating alternative and preferred stories of identity. We do this by re-writing our stories to better reflect who we are and what we believe in.

If there are stories in your life that are impoverishing, identifying them as such is a good first step. Think of a family story you were told about yourself.

• What is the underlying message about you?

• What are the feelings directed toward you?

• Do you feel affirmed by this story?

• Do you feel it describes you with love?

• Are there any negative messages about you, or judgemental ways of viewing you that you still carry today?

By recognizing the limitations and problems in the stories you were told, you can separate yourself from those stories and prevent them from defining who you are. For example, if someone characterized you as "selfish" when you expressed your needs, knowing that information can help you to identify problems you have now and help explain and contextualize why you have that problem. For example, because of this story you might believe that it is selfish to ask other people to help you, and think that you should do things on your own. Seeing the messages in the stories you were told helps to free you from them.

The next step is to challenge the story.

• What is the perspective of the story?

• How are you characterized?

• Are you described in a negative light?

• If you think it describes you accurately, think of times you didn't behave in that manner -- what are the exceptions to this story?

• How would you describe the same event if it involved a good friend?

By challenging the messages in the story, you begin to write a new story -- one that enriches your life rather than impoverishes it.

• How could you re-write a story you were told to more accurately reflect the child that you were? Write the story with compassion and love for you.

In the process of challenging and re-writing your stories:

The new stories you write will reveal the beautiful person that you always were, hidden underneath other people's limited and biased stories. Change comes from letting go of the stories that don't reflect the real you, and creating new stories that reveal the unique person that you are. I wish you the best in remembering who you were before you believed other people's stories and messages about you and in discovering who you've become.

Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist       416 929-4612
email@KaliMunro.com         www.KaliMunro.com